Day 286 : No Zombie Walking!

The turn of the new year passed by rather quietly. For two years now it's been quiet, I guess. Before that I used to get caught in a frenzy of ticking off all the resolutions I would have completed for the previous year and making a brand new list for the new year (am usually pretty good with making and keeping resolutions). It used to be a time of contemplation and preparation.

But this year, I did pretty much nothing but zombie walk through it. Am not quite sure why. Maybe with the daily treatment going on, I most look forward to just shutting the world out and sleeping it through. "New Year" simply didn't feel like something to be excited about.

In hindsight, I think I should have at least put down a list of things to be grateful for because despite everything else, there is indeed, much to be grateful for.

So here goes... here's everything that am very, very thankful for in 2016, in no particular order.

1) Madam's miraculous recovery from surgery #2 in January and the smooth (or as smooth as it can get) radiation treatment so far.

2) Completing the post production of Pularum Iniyum Naalekal, and it making it to 24 festivals and winning 6 awards till date.

3) Being able to make it personally to Female Film Festival of Kerala and Guwahati Film Festival and having the opportunity to listen to all that overwhelmingly positive feedback.

4) Completing a new feature film script.

5) Exercising 225 days, my highest so far. (yes, I still keep count of that).

6) The opportunity to travel out 14 times across 6 different countries.

7) All the books I could read, the music I could listen to, the food I could eat.

8) Being able to send my parents on a luxury trip to Rajasthan for their 35th wedding anniversary.

9) Getting back to dance and running, after a long gap.

10) For getting the best performance assessment one could possibly get at my company.

11) Meeting my savings target.

12) Having the opportunity to help a few less fortunate folks along the way.

13) And last, but not the least, for the love, joy and support from the good folks around. There have been many who were quick with a kind word, a warm hug and a huge smile and I couldn't be more grateful.    

So there. That's all that I can remember now but am sure there are more. And that's not a bad list at all. Am glad I put this down because life really loses its fun, when one starts to zombie walk through it.

So here's the year that's gone and to the year's that's coming up. I think am ready.

214 more to go.

Day 91 : Being Kind

One of the things that I have learnt to do these days is what I call "being kind to oneself". I get so caught up doing this and that and everything that sometimes I feel I should take a step back and be kind to my mind and body and take a break.

This week was crazy. I was easily working 12+ hours a day thanks to all the last minute "urgent, important" projects that were handed down to me, then topping that with yoga or dance which I consider necessary exercise, managing Madam's transport to and fro her 1 week holiday drama workshop, figuring out some sound design stuff for the film and what not.

It was just crazy and today, Friday, I felt completely exhausted. I couldn't focus on work, my eyes were burning, I didn't want to look at the computer and phone anymore, I didn't wanna talk to anyone and I didn't even feel like eating. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep.

So I requested the in laws to take Madam to and from her class, I came back from work early, had some home cooked rice and vegetables, and crashed. For about 3 - 4 hours in broad daylight, I slept away.

I woke up refreshed, happy and ready to take on everything again.

So yes - I was kind to myself today and that made a difference.

409 more to go. 

Day 59: When the Clouds Descended

After days of all the production excitement, I was back to the grind. May was expected to be a tough month at work, but I must say that the expectations were majorly exceeded. I was caught in a whirlwind as soon as I got to office and the wind looked all set to whirl for the next several days. Sigh. Anyway, I settled down to it with as much enthusiasm as possible, because really, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms. I love my job but was so hard to focus on powerpoints and excels after so many days of visuals and sounds!

It was not just the withdrawal symptoms that was tough. Madam's next scan - the one that would determine when and how much of a microradiosurgery treatment she would need to go through, is also coming up in two weeks' time. Obviously, am not looking forward to it. This post production work was a great way to distract myself from worrying about it, but now that it's over, well...!

Just as all these thoughts - work, withdrawals, scans - rammed against each other in my head, the universe once again decided to show just how beautiful this world that we live in, truly is.

In the evening, it poured cats and dogs all across Singapore. The skies were a deep dark colour and the rain slashed through with a vengeance. Once it took a short break, we could see that the clouds had descended very low and were now touching the upper limits of the city skyline. This sight is quite a rare one. Usually when it rains, the whole skyline disappears from our view, but today, I could see most of it very clearly, except for the wispy cottons that floated very low, covering the last few floors of the tall buildings. If the folks in there had reached out through the windows, they may have been able to touch the clouds!  In my imagination, it was simply the heavens coming down to earth, gently reminding that it is all good, really.

So I brushed my thoughts aside, breathed deeply, took another sip of my hot masala tea and smiled.

441 more to go. 

Day 6: The Universe's Balancing Act

Today started out as a really good day.

Because I got a good performance review at work. It felt extra special because this was my first year in the company and my first annual review and given the last few tough months, this really meant a lot. I felt like the universe was throwing me a lot of good stuff to grab on to and feel great.

Then in the afternoon, I had one of the crappiest meeting at work so far. Oh well. Thank you dear universe, I can always count on you to keep me humbled.

Even as the universe plays its balancing act, one thing I do feel through it all is a ton of gratitude. I wouldn't exchange any of the good or the bad for anything else and am determined to make the most of it all.

494 more to go.

Day 4: Work Wisdom

There was somebody at work who wanted to quit and I was asked to talk to the person to understand what went wrong and if there was any way to salvage the situation. In the course of listening and giving out advice, I stopped to think several times, just to make sure that I honestly, sincerely mean what I was saying and that it wasn't simply sugar coated philosophical drill with the only objective being retaining an employee.

I realized that the person had sent in the resignation note in an emotional fit because of differences with some team members. Alright, I guess many of us would have either done it or wanted to do that at some point in time, because really, who hasn't had differences with folks at work. 

Here are two things I reminded myself (and was part of the advice I doled out) over the discussion: 

1) Don't make big decisions during an emotional fit. - I am usually not guilty of this. In fact, I think my issue is probably the other way round - that I turn a matter over and over and over in my mind several times and for several days, before I actually make a decision. The only impulsive decision I ever make are about holidays - "Am so frustrated/tired, am going on a holiday to clear my head." Escapism, I know, but it works every time. 

2) Don't get so emotional for anything at work. After all, it is only a job - This took me a while to practice. I remember myself being a hot headed Assistant Brand Manager in my first job where everything was a big deal. But thanks to age and experience I think am pretty zen about work right now. It is pretty easy to do that if I think of everything as the company's project vs. my project but I hold myself responsible for what is right for both the consumer and the company. Things somehow fall in place much better that way. 

The introspection and conversation also made me realize the value of what I have - the fact that I am happy at work is indeed wonderful. I really enjoy what I do right now - the job scope, the people, the environment - all of them really work for me and I am so grateful for what I have! 

So today shall be the day I thank my stars for the job I have. 

And today shall also be the day I pat myself on my back for making a person reconsider a decision made under an emotional fit - the resignation has been withdrawn!

496 more to go.